I don't look good green!
It is me or are all the BFP’s flying around driving you crazy too?
Being an active member on boards, forums, and life in general, it is hard not to notice when everyone around you is getting knocked up. Regardless of how the growing bundle of joy ended up in their welcoming uterus, I’m becoming annoyed.
I don’t mean to sound mean or bitter, I’m not. Heck, my own TTC journey has only be 2 months so far, which even if my DH had perfect swimmers, would be on the short end of trying. I guess my main emotion is plain old, ugly, jealousy. It may not be right, and I honestly am happy for these people I have gotten to know through the computer, and a few in real life, but I am also insanely jealous that their spawn will be popping out in nine, magical months. I have never been a patient person, and trying to have a baby is no different. To quote my favorite character from Willy Wonka, Veruca Salt, “I want it and I want it NOW!!!” (feel free to also insert temper tantrum here). I’m aware that everyone’s time will come, and mine will too, I just can’t help but get down sometimes.
For the most part, I handle my emotions pretty well. I stay busy at work, and now that my family and I will be moving in the next few weeks (right in the middle of my IVF protocol I might add) I haven’t had time to obsess about my future pregnancy as much as usual. But when everything slows down, and I am alone with my thoughts, all I can hear is my prayers for a baby and why can’t I be one of those lucky first timers? I’d even settle for second timer and because my second cycle trying isn’t until September, I am holding out hope that I will be able to join that club!
Until then, I read the BFP posts, smile for their excitement, and wince a bit for myself. I’ve been trying to stay optimistic that this time, will be our time.
Other news….I am on my last week of BCP’s before the placebos’ and dreaded AF. BUT, then I get to start my stims!!! I can’t believe time has flown by so fast. I still have a few weeks until the procedures but everyday is one day closer to having my sticky beans put back inside for them to snuggle in!
I have my phone consult with the nurse on Monday, which I thought was a little late but because I am only on BCP’s I guess it really wasn’t necessary to have it sooner. After making the appointment a few weeks ago I have come up with a mile long list of questions that I am sure will take multiple hours to go through. My mom and DH have agreed to help me whittle them down to the important ones only (if you have not met me, you should know that in my crazy brain, they are ALL important!)
Aside from having crazy baby brain, things at home are uneasy as well. I don’t do well with change, or handling a multitude of topics at one time and it seems as though everyday something new is getting thrown at me. I told you about the move, but now that it is almost final (hey, at least we found a place to stay) reality is setting in. I have to start packing and cleaning all while working f/t, and taking mass amounts of hormones that could tranquillize an entire horse farm. Sounds fun right? I should just have moved in to the trash can with Oscar the Grouch because that is what I have been feeling like lately. I’m sure he’d be fun company.
As I mentioned earlier, this move will happen right in the middle of stims. My poor DH already knows I will be as useless while moving then sunscreen is at the Jersey Shore. That is because the doctor has already explained to me the following-
- During stims, your ovaries enlarge to grapefruit size or larger
- They are only held down by tiny blood vessels and tubes (fallopian)
- Because of that, they move around a lot when they are that big and could twist, rupture with strenuous activity
- They might even fall out…
(ok I lied about the last one)
This means, I can not lift, move, pull, or pack anything. While for most people, an automatic get out of move free card would be great, I am so OCD that I can’t figure out how that move with go on without me. No one can pack a box like me, or haul all of my clothes the proper way. At least that is what i have convinced myself. I’ve decided to be proactive and start packing this weekend so I don’t have to worry about it. Then, all DH will have to do is move the boxes, and I can point.
We will see how this works out….