Getting to know you…

Thanks for dropping by!

Hello!  I know my blog is very new, and quite frankly, I never expected anyone to read it.  In the past few days I have had an abundance of visitors and could not be more ecstatic!  It all started when I found this amazing website and decided that I would like to be a part of her awesome blog community.  Whether you find my blog from there, or somewhere else, Welcome.

It never dawned on me that other people, people who I did not even know, could be a web of support and a shoulder to lean on.  For this I am so grateful and I am now committed to updating my blog and sharing my journey as a member of this supportive IF group.  I kind of knew that keeping an “online journal” or “blog” could be very therapeutic for me, but I never imagined how much I would gain from it.  The feeling of pure excitement and relief when I see a comment from a reader who knows what I am talking about, or who is going through the same struggles I am has really made this journey easier, and has made me feel less alone.  That has become the best part of my day and of this whole short experience so far.

As I started reading other people’s blogs I came to the conclusion that the stories may differ, but the emotions are all the same.  We are a group of strong women, going through hell and back sometimes, to make our dreams come true.  Reading the blogs of other women going through fertility treatments gives me strength, hope, and wisdom.  I cheer along with them when they get their BFP’s, and feel sad when their journey does not go as planned. 
In honor of the new sense of community I am feeling, I would like to take a moment just to thank you.  Thank you for visiting, commenting, sharing your story, and keeping up your own blog if you do.  


You’re a mean one, Mrs. Grinch….

I don't look good green!

It is me or are all the BFP’s flying around driving you crazy too?

Being an active member on boards, forums, and life in general, it is hard not to notice when everyone around you is getting knocked up. Regardless of how the growing bundle of joy ended up in their welcoming uterus, I’m becoming annoyed.

I don’t mean to sound mean or bitter, I’m not. Heck, my own TTC journey has only be 2 months so far, which even if my DH had perfect swimmers, would be on the short end of trying. I guess my main emotion is plain old, ugly, jealousy. It may not be right, and I honestly am happy for these people I have gotten to know through the computer, and a few in real life, but I am also insanely jealous that their spawn will be popping out in nine, magical months. I have never been a patient person, and trying to have a baby is no different. To quote my favorite character from Willy Wonka, Veruca Salt, “I want it and I want it NOW!!!” (feel free to also insert temper tantrum here). I’m aware that everyone’s time will come, and mine will too, I just can’t help but get down sometimes.

For the most part, I handle my emotions pretty well. I stay busy at work, and now that my family and I will be moving in the next few weeks (right in the middle of my IVF protocol I might add) I haven’t had time to obsess about my future pregnancy as much as usual. But when everything slows down, and I am alone with my thoughts, all I can hear is my prayers for a baby and why can’t I be one of those lucky first timers?  I’d even settle for second timer and because my second cycle trying isn’t until September, I am holding out hope that I will be able to join that club!

Until then, I read the BFP posts, smile for their excitement, and wince a bit for myself. I’ve been trying to stay optimistic that this time, will be our time.

Other news….I am on my last week of BCP’s before the placebos’ and dreaded AF. BUT, then I get to start my stims!!! I can’t believe time has flown by so fast. I still have a few weeks until the procedures but everyday is one day closer to having my sticky beans put back inside for them to snuggle in!

I have my phone consult with the nurse on Monday, which I thought was a little late but because I am only on BCP’s I guess it really wasn’t necessary to have it sooner. After making the appointment a few weeks ago I have come up with a mile long list of questions that I am sure will take multiple hours to go through. My mom and DH have agreed to help me whittle them down to the important ones only (if you have not met me, you should know that in my crazy brain, they are ALL important!)

Aside from having crazy baby brain, things at home are uneasy as well. I don’t do well with change, or handling a multitude of topics at one time and it seems as though everyday something new is getting thrown at me. I told you about the move, but now that it is almost final (hey, at least we found a place to stay) reality is setting in. I have to start packing and cleaning all while working f/t, and taking mass amounts of hormones that could tranquillize an entire horse farm. Sounds fun right? I should just have moved in to the trash can with Oscar the Grouch because that is what I have been feeling like lately. I’m sure he’d be fun company.

As I mentioned earlier, this move will happen right in the middle of stims. My poor DH already knows I will be as useless while moving then sunscreen is at the Jersey Shore. That is because the doctor has already explained to me the following-

  • During stims, your ovaries enlarge to grapefruit size or larger
  • They are only held down by tiny blood vessels and tubes (fallopian)
  • Because of that, they move around a lot when they are that big and could twist, rupture with strenuous activity
  • They might even fall out…

(ok I lied about the last one)

This means, I can not lift, move, pull, or pack anything. While for most people, an automatic get out of move free card would be great, I am so OCD that I can’t figure out how that move with go on without me. No one can pack a box like me, or haul all of my clothes the proper way. At least that is what i have convinced myself. I’ve decided to be proactive and start packing this weekend so I don’t have to worry about it. Then, all DH will have to do is move the boxes, and I can point.

We will see how this works out….

The Junk Food Diet, or not



Blah. Blah.

That about sums up my mood for the past week.

We found out a few weeks ago that our landlord was not renewing our current lease so he can short sell the house we are living in. Normally that would have been fine, it is his house and all, however, we cannot seem to find another place to live. Not to mention the timing. As if TTC wasn’t stressful and expensive enough, now we have to come up with moving and deposit money too?

As for this cycle, it has been very easy so far, except trying not to pack on the pounds. I have been on the BCP’s for about a week and a half now, no side effects to report except some bloating. I have also been really trying to watch what I eat. I am overweight and have been my whole life. Not exactly truck weighing station or cut you out of the house kind of fat, but I could stand to lose at least 50-60lbs. Knowing how this could affect my IVF and fertility scares me but I don’t know how to be any other way. The plus side is that I have not had any medical problems directly due to my weight. No high blood pressure, diabetes, or PCOS. Just general discomfort and the ill fitted jeans problem (but don’t all women suffer from that?) I also had a total thyroidectomy, but that was due to Hyperthyroidism. I’ve been trying to maintain my thyroid levels with medication since the surgery and it hasn’t always been easy, especially when weight fluctuates, but for now it’s okay.

So while I would have loved to drop a bunch of weight pre-pregnancy, I have tried and tried and do not want to put our dreams of having a baby off any longer. Plus, I think it’s better to start trying young and overweight then wait until I am skinny and older. I’ve been reading a lot of stories, blogs, and posts, which have led me to believe even overweight women have a good chance of getting pregnant with the right treatment.

Still, even if I am not trying to lose weight, I would at the minimum like to maintain my current size. The last thing I want when I finally get my BFP, is to develop GD or something worse. That is probably why there are so many TTC food do’s & don’ts. No sushi, tuna, white grains, sugar, soda, spicy food, caffeine, chocolate, motrin Apparently NOTHING is safe to eat while TTC! I’ve heard everything from mercury in fish being harmful, to caffeine causing uterine contractions. That makes sense but I think it is mostly about staying healthy and trying to not pile on weight from the meds….and stress. People seem to gain a ton of weight from all these hormones. What I can’t understand is if 9 billion women get preggo everyday and 3% of those women are smoking crack and slugging down a 6 pack of coke every hour, why can’t I have a maki roll or snickers bar while trying to have my baby? My only guess is that if we are consciously trying to get pregnant, we should do everything we can to stay healthy. Not complaining, just venting….and having sugar withdraw.

Because I have not completely eliminated all of the foods listed above from my diet, I have quit smoking which I believe is the most important TTC don’t anyway! Besides, I would never want to end up looking like Kate Moss (HA! In my dreams!) by not eating enough (who am I kidding?), I have decided to cut back on the junk food while TTC (and in reality, should continue long after) instead of giving it up all together and going insane. I admit I still drive through Starbuck’s every morning and get my black iced tea, but to justify it, I get a smaller size, and don’t always finish the whole drink. Also, I have not had sushi or tuna since I started trying in July (I miss it way more than I expected), and have eliminated all sugar substitutes (former Splenda addict), as well as Coke. Now I only consume the real deal sugar and caffeine free soda, which I try not to indulge in often. I have also decided that even with the “cutting back” I binge on way too much chocolate and junk food and feel that I need an intervention to stop! Ok, maybe not an intervention but I really need to learn to control myself better. Luckily I still have a few weeks before I start stims so I might go all health food next week and instead of taking an hour lunch at work to eat junk and gossip with co-workers, I will head into our gym and walk for 30 minutes.

So that is where I am at as of today. Trying to stay sane amidst my crazy personal life and our TTC journey. I know this will all be so worth it. And BTW, if anyone does read this, I would love to know what, if any, foods you gave up while TTC.

It’s my med’s in a box!

box 'o meds

now that's a lot of medication!

At work yesterday, I got a call from the receptionist letting me know I have a very large package at the front. Hmmm, I was wondering what it could be, then it dawned on me….my box ‘o meds. I remember my insurance company calling to confirm the list of medications and asking me where I would like them shipped however
A. I was not expecting them this soon
B. I was expecting a cute little package and this box was huge, massive, ginormous, and weighed a ton!
Knowing full well I could not carry that myself (or if you must know I was just too lazy) I called our office maintenance person and asked him to please drop the box off at my desk. I swear it was so big I was convinced the nice lady at the insurance company felt bad for me and decided to send a whole baby instead. Quite frankly that would have been much easier. It was quite embarrassing though because the box had a label stating it was medication and needed to be refrigerated. And I am supposed to explain that how? I went through different scenarios like, a friend of a friend’s cousin is in the Peace Corps helping children in Africa and I offered to ship the meds she needs. Or, I found a penguin on the internet for only $20 and they just have to keep him cool while he is in the box. Neither of those seemed plausible so when the maintenance person gave me the, “what the hell is in that box” look, I just shrugged my shoulders and pretended it was a surprise. So much for discreet.
On my way home I made sure to call DH so he was outside waiting for me to carry the monstrosity of a box inside. He could not believe it was all medication and when I started unpacking the box, one package at a time, he looked horrified. A sheer look of panic set in his face, almost to say, “I hope you don’t think I am going to be giving you all those shots everyday”, without actually saying that of course. (I would like to add not because DH is mean and heartless, just because he has a crazy fear of needles and his hands shake. Trust me, I want him doing it less then he does!) I believe it was then he truly felt sorry for me and understood what I am about to endure.
I will admit, I am totally nervous. I heard from a woman on a forum I frequent that she likes to put an ice-cube on the area for a bit before the injection to numb it. It makes sense and I probably would not have thought of that, which is why I love the ttc forums. You get such great advice and commradere that you just can’t get from friends, family, or neighbors. Even though I don’t really know these people, I feel like we all share a bond of understanding that goes way beyond the computer.
Anyway, it took a good 15 minutes of unpacking and reading directions after which we then proceed to clean out the fridge so my new goodies could have their own shelf. We had no idea how much room we would need for all the meds. We also made a nice area in the kitchen for all the non perishable medication. As we were cleaning the thought of explaining to our future child that this whole process started out with the baby making items next to the salad was unnerving me. Maybe this will be a pre cursor for our child to like veggies
Either way, we are willing to do whatever it takes to conceive the baby of our dreams, even if that means I have to turn myself into the human equivalent of a pin cushion.

Holy IVF Batman!

Round 1 didn’t work.  Well it did…but not really.  That was our first and last IUI.

Round 2 on the other hand…well, let’s just say we are pulling out all the stops, trying IVF and really hoping that this is it for us.

It better be, because I have a feeling my body will hate me after all these meds and might not cooperate out of spite.  I found out at my RE appointment yesterday that I will be injecting more hormones in my body over the next two months then a bovine gets in a whole year leading up to their demise before heading to the meat-packing district.  Seriously.  There are three different medications I’ll be giving myself via multiple daily injections.  But I am a trooper and will take it like a super hero.  Who knows, I might even don a black cape each night while mixing my meds.  Ha!  That would scare my DH.  Either way…..he should be scared – as I am quite confident over the next two months he will not be very happy with me.  I have been reading up on the various IVF protocol medications and their side effects..needless to say that all of those women claimed they started acting like nothing short of the devil.  I refuse to put my DH through any more mood swings than usual!

So now that I’m realizing there  is so much to learn when starting IVF, I feel like I should have gone to college longer and perhaps acquired a degree of some sort.  Yesterday the nurse gave me a calendar and a list of the bajillion meds and sent me on my way.  After reading it, I was very confused and worried I would somehow screw this up.  I truly feel had the paper work been presented in Chinese, I would have had better luck deciphering it.  Luckily, I have a phone consult in a few weeks to go over the forms, protocol as well as any questions I might have, and trust me, I will have plenty of questions.

As of today I am on phase one…starting the BCP’s, which seems so backwards to me.  Why is it that the only time in my entire life I have ever been on birth control, is when I am trying to get knocked up.  Must be another cruel joke of TTC.  In a few weeks, I will start the next step which is Lupron, then Follistim and Menapour.  Throw in some prenatal’s, a Valium, and vaginal suppositories and there might be a party at my house soon!

Because I am gearing up to put my body through hell, my mind has started catching up on the reality of TCC and it’s becoming a drop off zone for irrational thoughts.  It started this morning with, “What if I really do get pregnant?” and “OMG, how will I care for this child.”  Crazy right?  Talk about putting the cart before the horse.  My DH said, “let’s just try to make the baby first, then we can figure out what to do with it.”  Okay, I guess that is the plan, seems more rational than anything I was coming up with.  I’m staying confident that my maternal instincts will kick in and help us figure out what to do.

Until then, I have my weekly acupuncture appointments to provide some stress relief and relaxation.  Everything will be ok.

TWW, Heartbreak, Hope…

So my tww was not nearly as sane and relaxing as I had hoped for….

I found myself a crazed, obsessed, ball of emotions during week one of the dreaded tww. I could not concentrate on anything. Somehow I had lost all concentration at work, home, and became a nosy voyeur into other people’s experiences on the net. By day I was pretending to work while googling symptoms and reading forum posts. I peed on sticks. Crazy I know. I just pray that by the end of this journey, I am sane enough to actually keep my kid, haha. Bottom line – DH tried to keep me busy so he and I went out a lot that week, hence, no updates.

By the time the second week came around, I just wanted it to be over one way or the other. I was not very hopeful as I had been getting BFN after BFN since 8DPI (yes, I tested that early. Don’t judge.) In coming to the realization that the call about my beta results would play out more like a scene from a sad, Lifetime movie instead of Look Who’s Talking too, I was a sucky, hormonal mess. Add my neurotic OCD into the mix and 3 days before I even knew the answer I was on the crazy train, making my plan for next month, determined to get my shiny new baby. Every scenario played out perfectly in my mind.

When “beta day” arrived, so did my nerves. My stomach was doing flips, and I needed an answer. As anyone who has gone through this knows, it is a very emotional time. Luckily, the whole office treats you like family and instead of herding me back like cattle to be poked and prodded, the nurse kept me relaxed and gave me a hug. After the blood work, I went to speak to my RE. We shall call him…the baby maker. Because there is such little time between cycles to come up with a new plan, my clinic always suggests making an appointment with the baby maker asap. The meeting went well and I got the answer I wanted. Even my DH got invloved asking all kinds of funny questions like, “How often can we have sex…” “as much as your wife will let you”, says baby maker. Or my favorite, “Can my wife go to the water park at the end of the summer if we don’t take off this month?” “I’m sure she will be fine”, said the baby maker again. Ha. At least I got some good laughs, gotta love my DH and all his glory.

Back at work later that day I got a phone call from the nurse letting me know my beta was 6.7 and that I would have to come in again tomorrow for more blood work. I can tell you I would have been less shocked if Cher Justin Timberlake waltzed into my cubicle at that very moment. I couldn’t believe it and I admit, there was a part of me that was holding on to a little piece of light. The nurse explained because it was so low it was most likely a chemical pregnancy but could just be a late implanter, before she hung up. I, obviously, was hoping for the latter. With much trepidation, I told the DH, on the premise, don’t get your hopes up.

Fast forward to the next day and my beta was the same. Diagnosis – Chemical Pregnancy. I was a sad, but, at least I was preggo for like, a day. It’s a good thing I like to look on the bright side otherwise I would have been devastated. Everything happens for a reason so this is what I have come up with…

  • This was our first cycle TTC…and I got pregnant, Kinda.
  • Everything must be working in the good ‘ol uterus.
  • The first one is behind us so at least now we know what we are doing.
  • Our baby is going to be such perfection g-d couldn’t finish him/her in time.
  • At least now I can enjoy the rest of my summer worry free (for the most part)

So, ladies and gentleman, my first tww was a wild rollercoaster, and it felt like I was the only passenger without a seat belt. The tww can (and usually does) do crazy things to your mind, as well as everyone around you. You may not think you are being a hormonal bitch, but trust me, you are. I hope if you are reading this, you already have your BFP, or will very soon. As for DH and I, it seems as though we will be moving onto try #2, plan B.

In the waiting room…

The DH and I are sitting here in the waiting room of the fertility office. It’s kind of weird being in here, waiting for the procedure is nerve wracking but I am trying to remain calm.

On another note, my clinic has offices all over the Chicago area, and where I live in the suburbs. I usually go to the same office each time but had to schedule the IUI at the downtown office because they are the only office open 7 days a week. The nurse was afraid I would surge over the weekend. Anyway, it was a pain driving down here but it is so beautiful I’m glad we did.

The office is right on the river and the DH and I stood outside and relaxed for a few minutes before going in. It was a nice way to start the day!

Let’s keep our fingers crossed


Trigger time!

It‘s official!  I just did both my trigger shots and am going for my first IUI in 36 hours! 

Let me start off by informing the general public that giving a shot to yourself it much more awkward than one would think.  For the last week I have been all macho, telling the DH (dear husband), “Of course you don’t have to give me the shot, I’m a big girl and I promise I can do it myself.”  Fast forward to tonight, as I am wiping my stomach (exactly one inch from my belly button) with the supplied alcohol pad and then grasping the needle with shaking hands, needle pointed towards me.  Not so brave-I start thinking to myself as I muster up the courage to do it.  Meanwhile, DH is sitting on the hallways stairs, eye closed, and grossed out that I had to do this (he is not a fan of needles!) After what feels like an eternity, I get the first needle in, no pain and inject with a slow, steady, pace.  I was quite pleased that I felt virtually no pain.  Then it was on to the second side now, which hurt much more than that first! 

Now that it is over I feel much better and more confident.  Hopefully, I won’t ever have to do this again unless we want child #2.  But, if we do have to go through a few month of TCC trial and error, at least I know I can handle the injections. 

Anyway, right after I gave my self the shots, it felt like my ovaries were spasming and I could feel them expanding.  I also got this dull ache in my sides and back.  DH thought I was crazy and it was in my head but I swear I could feel all my lady parts inside haha.  It was quite the experience but I am glad we did it.  One step closer.

The thought that I could be pregnant two weeks from now is crazy.

Fertile Myrtle…or not?


Will I be one of those lucky few I read about in the infertility forums who get a BFP after their first IUI?  Will I have to do multiple IUI’s or eventually IVF??  The unknown is super scary, but when the  unknown is also uncontrollable, the crazy, OCD, control freak in me screams and talks to me in my sleep!!!  I have not even tried to get preggo yet so in my head, I am fertile myrtle until proven otherwise.  That is how I am staying sane.  Judge me, call me an unrealistic optimist, but I am banking on my cozy uterus, hardworking ovaries, and special super sperm to make us a baby asap!

I’ve decided that fertility treatments are a crap shoot and I don’t gamble so I’m not getting the hang of all these percentages. It seems weird to me that  a 36-year-old woman with one tube and pcos gets preggo on her first try, yet the 24-year-old girl in the peak of health eventually has to have IVF.  Does that make sense?  Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for each and every woman who has a baby, especially when they have been trying so hard.  It is just insane to me how random the whole BFP outcomes seem to be. 

Well, our first IUI is scheduled for Thursday.  I had an 18 mm follie, and 9mm lining as of CD14 and since I am triggering on CD15 (tonight), I am hoping both have grown a bit in the last 24 hours.  It only takes one sperm and one egg.  Hopefully our thawed popsicle sperm have been given the pep talk at the doctors office and are excited to go find my egg!  Think of it as a very important Easter hunt.  I was thinking about leaving them directions somewhere in there, but since that is not possible, I will stick to taking the day off work, keeping my hips elevated, and chanting nursery rhymes while meditating so they have an easier journey…ok now I sound crazy.

I have never once in my life been one of those lucky people who win contests, races, awards, or anything really.  But this is the most important thing I will ever do in my entire life and I am praying that for once, I will be one of those lucky woman who wins a BFP on the first try!