TWW, Heartbreak, Hope…

So my tww was not nearly as sane and relaxing as I had hoped for….

I found myself a crazed, obsessed, ball of emotions during week one of the dreaded tww. I could not concentrate on anything. Somehow I had lost all concentration at work, home, and became a nosy voyeur into other people’s experiences on the net. By day I was pretending to work while googling symptoms and reading forum posts. I peed on sticks. Crazy I know. I just pray that by the end of this journey, I am sane enough to actually keep my kid, haha. Bottom line – DH tried to keep me busy so he and I went out a lot that week, hence, no updates.

By the time the second week came around, I just wanted it to be over one way or the other. I was not very hopeful as I had been getting BFN after BFN since 8DPI (yes, I tested that early. Don’t judge.) In coming to the realization that the call about my beta results would play out more like a scene from a sad, Lifetime movie instead of Look Who’s Talking too, I was a sucky, hormonal mess. Add my neurotic OCD into the mix and 3 days before I even knew the answer I was on the crazy train, making my plan for next month, determined to get my shiny new baby. Every scenario played out perfectly in my mind.

When “beta day” arrived, so did my nerves. My stomach was doing flips, and I needed an answer. As anyone who has gone through this knows, it is a very emotional time. Luckily, the whole office treats you like family and instead of herding me back like cattle to be poked and prodded, the nurse kept me relaxed and gave me a hug. After the blood work, I went to speak to my RE. We shall call him…the baby maker. Because there is such little time between cycles to come up with a new plan, my clinic always suggests making an appointment with the baby maker asap. The meeting went well and I got the answer I wanted. Even my DH got invloved asking all kinds of funny questions like, “How often can we have sex…” “as much as your wife will let you”, says baby maker. Or my favorite, “Can my wife go to the water park at the end of the summer if we don’t take off this month?” “I’m sure she will be fine”, said the baby maker again. Ha. At least I got some good laughs, gotta love my DH and all his glory.

Back at work later that day I got a phone call from the nurse letting me know my beta was 6.7 and that I would have to come in again tomorrow for more blood work. I can tell you I would have been less shocked if Cher Justin Timberlake waltzed into my cubicle at that very moment. I couldn’t believe it and I admit, there was a part of me that was holding on to a little piece of light. The nurse explained because it was so low it was most likely a chemical pregnancy but could just be a late implanter, before she hung up. I, obviously, was hoping for the latter. With much trepidation, I told the DH, on the premise, don’t get your hopes up.

Fast forward to the next day and my beta was the same. Diagnosis – Chemical Pregnancy. I was a sad, but, at least I was preggo for like, a day. It’s a good thing I like to look on the bright side otherwise I would have been devastated. Everything happens for a reason so this is what I have come up with…

  • This was our first cycle TTC…and I got pregnant, Kinda.
  • Everything must be working in the good ‘ol uterus.
  • The first one is behind us so at least now we know what we are doing.
  • Our baby is going to be such perfection g-d couldn’t finish him/her in time.
  • At least now I can enjoy the rest of my summer worry free (for the most part)

So, ladies and gentleman, my first tww was a wild rollercoaster, and it felt like I was the only passenger without a seat belt. The tww can (and usually does) do crazy things to your mind, as well as everyone around you. You may not think you are being a hormonal bitch, but trust me, you are. I hope if you are reading this, you already have your BFP, or will very soon. As for DH and I, it seems as though we will be moving onto try #2, plan B.


4 responses

  1. Again, I enjoyed reading your post! It’s funny, but I do believe all of us TTCers go through this emotional rollercoaster. We are either counting down to insemination (or a BD Fest) or we are waiting those dreaded two weeks, analyzing and over analyzing every single poke, cramp, headache, backache, vein, etc.
    I recently had my first IUI which also resulted in a chemical pregnancy, and I felt similarly: “At least I know I can GET pregnant.” And believe me, those two days of seeing a positive result on the stick felt amazing. I can’t wait until that amazing feeling lasts for 9 months!!
    I wish you luck and look forward to seeing more of your blog posts come to my inbox!


    • Marta-

      I replied before to your comment but must have not posted it. I wanted to welcome you to my blog and thank you for reading.

      We have very similar stories so far and would love for you to keep updating me. I agree this journey is a crazy rollarcoaster and we need all the support we can get.

      Sticky baby dust to you!!!

  2. Hi There,
    We also had a chemical pg on our first IUI, but only a beta of 1.5. I was so hopeful, but knew what was coming. We’d planned on doing 4 iui’s and then moving onto IVF, but after the second unsuccessful IUI we were emotionally depleted and made the jump to IVF. You’ll see from my blog that it was a good choice on our part 🙂

    This is one crazy experience, and I’ve been so impressed by this blog community. I hope that you find the same kind of support here as I have, and that this cycle is the one you’ve been waiting for!

    • Thank you so much Foxy for taking the time out to tell me your story. I think chemicals are a cruel joke like haha, you’re preggo, just kidding. It is very frusterating. Like you though, I realized early on that if I am going to spend a lot of money every month, might as well go with the biggest percentage possible. More bang for your buck right?

      I hope everything has gone well for you since then! Come back soon!

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