You’re a mean one, Mrs. Grinch….

I don't look good green!

It is me or are all the BFP’s flying around driving you crazy too?

Being an active member on boards, forums, and life in general, it is hard not to notice when everyone around you is getting knocked up. Regardless of how the growing bundle of joy ended up in their welcoming uterus, I’m becoming annoyed.

I don’t mean to sound mean or bitter, I’m not. Heck, my own TTC journey has only be 2 months so far, which even if my DH had perfect swimmers, would be on the short end of trying. I guess my main emotion is plain old, ugly, jealousy. It may not be right, and I honestly am happy for these people I have gotten to know through the computer, and a few in real life, but I am also insanely jealous that their spawn will be popping out in nine, magical months. I have never been a patient person, and trying to have a baby is no different. To quote my favorite character from Willy Wonka, Veruca Salt, “I want it and I want it NOW!!!” (feel free to also insert temper tantrum here). I’m aware that everyone’s time will come, and mine will too, I just can’t help but get down sometimes.

For the most part, I handle my emotions pretty well. I stay busy at work, and now that my family and I will be moving in the next few weeks (right in the middle of my IVF protocol I might add) I haven’t had time to obsess about my future pregnancy as much as usual. But when everything slows down, and I am alone with my thoughts, all I can hear is my prayers for a baby and why can’t I be one of those lucky first timers?  I’d even settle for second timer and because my second cycle trying isn’t until September, I am holding out hope that I will be able to join that club!

Until then, I read the BFP posts, smile for their excitement, and wince a bit for myself. I’ve been trying to stay optimistic that this time, will be our time.

Other news….I am on my last week of BCP’s before the placebos’ and dreaded AF. BUT, then I get to start my stims!!! I can’t believe time has flown by so fast. I still have a few weeks until the procedures but everyday is one day closer to having my sticky beans put back inside for them to snuggle in!

I have my phone consult with the nurse on Monday, which I thought was a little late but because I am only on BCP’s I guess it really wasn’t necessary to have it sooner. After making the appointment a few weeks ago I have come up with a mile long list of questions that I am sure will take multiple hours to go through. My mom and DH have agreed to help me whittle them down to the important ones only (if you have not met me, you should know that in my crazy brain, they are ALL important!)

Aside from having crazy baby brain, things at home are uneasy as well. I don’t do well with change, or handling a multitude of topics at one time and it seems as though everyday something new is getting thrown at me. I told you about the move, but now that it is almost final (hey, at least we found a place to stay) reality is setting in. I have to start packing and cleaning all while working f/t, and taking mass amounts of hormones that could tranquillize an entire horse farm. Sounds fun right? I should just have moved in to the trash can with Oscar the Grouch because that is what I have been feeling like lately. I’m sure he’d be fun company.

As I mentioned earlier, this move will happen right in the middle of stims. My poor DH already knows I will be as useless while moving then sunscreen is at the Jersey Shore. That is because the doctor has already explained to me the following-

  • During stims, your ovaries enlarge to grapefruit size or larger
  • They are only held down by tiny blood vessels and tubes (fallopian)
  • Because of that, they move around a lot when they are that big and could twist, rupture with strenuous activity
  • They might even fall out…

(ok I lied about the last one)

This means, I can not lift, move, pull, or pack anything. While for most people, an automatic get out of move free card would be great, I am so OCD that I can’t figure out how that move with go on without me. No one can pack a box like me, or haul all of my clothes the proper way. At least that is what i have convinced myself. I’ve decided to be proactive and start packing this weekend so I don’t have to worry about it. Then, all DH will have to do is move the boxes, and I can point.

We will see how this works out….

The Junk Food Diet, or not

YUMMM.

Blah.

Blah. Blah.

That about sums up my mood for the past week.

We found out a few weeks ago that our landlord was not renewing our current lease so he can short sell the house we are living in. Normally that would have been fine, it is his house and all, however, we cannot seem to find another place to live. Not to mention the timing. As if TTC wasn’t stressful and expensive enough, now we have to come up with moving and deposit money too?

As for this cycle, it has been very easy so far, except trying not to pack on the pounds. I have been on the BCP’s for about a week and a half now, no side effects to report except some bloating. I have also been really trying to watch what I eat. I am overweight and have been my whole life. Not exactly truck weighing station or cut you out of the house kind of fat, but I could stand to lose at least 50-60lbs. Knowing how this could affect my IVF and fertility scares me but I don’t know how to be any other way. The plus side is that I have not had any medical problems directly due to my weight. No high blood pressure, diabetes, or PCOS. Just general discomfort and the ill fitted jeans problem (but don’t all women suffer from that?) I also had a total thyroidectomy, but that was due to Hyperthyroidism. I’ve been trying to maintain my thyroid levels with medication since the surgery and it hasn’t always been easy, especially when weight fluctuates, but for now it’s okay.

So while I would have loved to drop a bunch of weight pre-pregnancy, I have tried and tried and do not want to put our dreams of having a baby off any longer. Plus, I think it’s better to start trying young and overweight then wait until I am skinny and older. I’ve been reading a lot of stories, blogs, and posts, which have led me to believe even overweight women have a good chance of getting pregnant with the right treatment.

Still, even if I am not trying to lose weight, I would at the minimum like to maintain my current size. The last thing I want when I finally get my BFP, is to develop GD or something worse. That is probably why there are so many TTC food do’s & don’ts. No sushi, tuna, white grains, sugar, soda, spicy food, caffeine, chocolate, motrin Apparently NOTHING is safe to eat while TTC! I’ve heard everything from mercury in fish being harmful, to caffeine causing uterine contractions. That makes sense but I think it is mostly about staying healthy and trying to not pile on weight from the meds….and stress. People seem to gain a ton of weight from all these hormones. What I can’t understand is if 9 billion women get preggo everyday and 3% of those women are smoking crack and slugging down a 6 pack of coke every hour, why can’t I have a maki roll or snickers bar while trying to have my baby? My only guess is that if we are consciously trying to get pregnant, we should do everything we can to stay healthy. Not complaining, just venting….and having sugar withdraw.

Because I have not completely eliminated all of the foods listed above from my diet, I have quit smoking which I believe is the most important TTC don’t anyway! Besides, I would never want to end up looking like Kate Moss (HA! In my dreams!) by not eating enough (who am I kidding?), I have decided to cut back on the junk food while TTC (and in reality, should continue long after) instead of giving it up all together and going insane. I admit I still drive through Starbuck’s every morning and get my black iced tea, but to justify it, I get a smaller size, and don’t always finish the whole drink. Also, I have not had sushi or tuna since I started trying in July (I miss it way more than I expected), and have eliminated all sugar substitutes (former Splenda addict), as well as Coke. Now I only consume the real deal sugar and caffeine free soda, which I try not to indulge in often. I have also decided that even with the “cutting back” I binge on way too much chocolate and junk food and feel that I need an intervention to stop! Ok, maybe not an intervention but I really need to learn to control myself better. Luckily I still have a few weeks before I start stims so I might go all health food next week and instead of taking an hour lunch at work to eat junk and gossip with co-workers, I will head into our gym and walk for 30 minutes.

So that is where I am at as of today. Trying to stay sane amidst my crazy personal life and our TTC journey. I know this will all be so worth it. And BTW, if anyone does read this, I would love to know what, if any, foods you gave up while TTC.

It’s my med’s in a box!

box 'o meds

now that's a lot of medication!

At work yesterday, I got a call from the receptionist letting me know I have a very large package at the front. Hmmm, I was wondering what it could be, then it dawned on me….my box ‘o meds. I remember my insurance company calling to confirm the list of medications and asking me where I would like them shipped however
 
A. I was not expecting them this soon
B. I was expecting a cute little package and this box was huge, massive, ginormous, and weighed a ton!
 
Knowing full well I could not carry that myself (or if you must know I was just too lazy) I called our office maintenance person and asked him to please drop the box off at my desk. I swear it was so big I was convinced the nice lady at the insurance company felt bad for me and decided to send a whole baby instead. Quite frankly that would have been much easier. It was quite embarrassing though because the box had a label stating it was medication and needed to be refrigerated. And I am supposed to explain that how? I went through different scenarios like, a friend of a friend’s cousin is in the Peace Corps helping children in Africa and I offered to ship the meds she needs. Or, I found a penguin on the internet for only $20 and they just have to keep him cool while he is in the box. Neither of those seemed plausible so when the maintenance person gave me the, “what the hell is in that box” look, I just shrugged my shoulders and pretended it was a surprise. So much for discreet.
 
On my way home I made sure to call DH so he was outside waiting for me to carry the monstrosity of a box inside. He could not believe it was all medication and when I started unpacking the box, one package at a time, he looked horrified. A sheer look of panic set in his face, almost to say, “I hope you don’t think I am going to be giving you all those shots everyday”, without actually saying that of course. (I would like to add not because DH is mean and heartless, just because he has a crazy fear of needles and his hands shake. Trust me, I want him doing it less then he does!) I believe it was then he truly felt sorry for me and understood what I am about to endure.
 
I will admit, I am totally nervous. I heard from a woman on a forum I frequent that she likes to put an ice-cube on the area for a bit before the injection to numb it. It makes sense and I probably would not have thought of that, which is why I love the ttc forums. You get such great advice and commradere that you just can’t get from friends, family, or neighbors. Even though I don’t really know these people, I feel like we all share a bond of understanding that goes way beyond the computer.
 
Anyway, it took a good 15 minutes of unpacking and reading directions after which we then proceed to clean out the fridge so my new goodies could have their own shelf. We had no idea how much room we would need for all the meds. We also made a nice area in the kitchen for all the non perishable medication. As we were cleaning the thought of explaining to our future child that this whole process started out with the baby making items next to the salad was unnerving me. Maybe this will be a pre cursor for our child to like veggies
 
Either way, we are willing to do whatever it takes to conceive the baby of our dreams, even if that means I have to turn myself into the human equivalent of a pin cushion.

Holy IVF Batman!

Round 1 didn’t work.  Well it did…but not really.  That was our first and last IUI.

Round 2 on the other hand…well, let’s just say we are pulling out all the stops, trying IVF and really hoping that this is it for us.

It better be, because I have a feeling my body will hate me after all these meds and might not cooperate out of spite.  I found out at my RE appointment yesterday that I will be injecting more hormones in my body over the next two months then a bovine gets in a whole year leading up to their demise before heading to the meat-packing district.  Seriously.  There are three different medications I’ll be giving myself via multiple daily injections.  But I am a trooper and will take it like a super hero.  Who knows, I might even don a black cape each night while mixing my meds.  Ha!  That would scare my DH.  Either way…..he should be scared – as I am quite confident over the next two months he will not be very happy with me.  I have been reading up on the various IVF protocol medications and their side effects..needless to say that all of those women claimed they started acting like nothing short of the devil.  I refuse to put my DH through any more mood swings than usual!

So now that I’m realizing there  is so much to learn when starting IVF, I feel like I should have gone to college longer and perhaps acquired a degree of some sort.  Yesterday the nurse gave me a calendar and a list of the bajillion meds and sent me on my way.  After reading it, I was very confused and worried I would somehow screw this up.  I truly feel had the paper work been presented in Chinese, I would have had better luck deciphering it.  Luckily, I have a phone consult in a few weeks to go over the forms, protocol as well as any questions I might have, and trust me, I will have plenty of questions.

As of today I am on phase one…starting the BCP’s, which seems so backwards to me.  Why is it that the only time in my entire life I have ever been on birth control, is when I am trying to get knocked up.  Must be another cruel joke of TTC.  In a few weeks, I will start the next step which is Lupron, then Follistim and Menapour.  Throw in some prenatal’s, a Valium, and vaginal suppositories and there might be a party at my house soon!

Because I am gearing up to put my body through hell, my mind has started catching up on the reality of TCC and it’s becoming a drop off zone for irrational thoughts.  It started this morning with, “What if I really do get pregnant?” and “OMG, how will I care for this child.”  Crazy right?  Talk about putting the cart before the horse.  My DH said, “let’s just try to make the baby first, then we can figure out what to do with it.”  Okay, I guess that is the plan, seems more rational than anything I was coming up with.  I’m staying confident that my maternal instincts will kick in and help us figure out what to do.

Until then, I have my weekly acupuncture appointments to provide some stress relief and relaxation.  Everything will be ok.